A surge of activity on all fronts this morning but with it an omnipresent back-of-mind worry that, since my breakfast blood sugar was so high (adjustments to new medication always throw it the first week – yesterday, I was too low to run, which means today I’m operating higher than normal which means, yeah… on and on and–), any ideas or things I’ve chosen to explore are the byproduct of an out-of-sorts mind…

Then again, I tend to doubt everything until I confirm it the next day.

(I find it amusing that one of the side effects of anti-depressants are “grandiose ideas”: I’m a writer – or at least a reasonable facsimile of one: grandiose ideas are part and parcel of the calling, an occasionally useful side effect. The question: how can I tell the difference between one side effect or another?)

But, the good news: I have plenty of questions. Also: more insulin is scheduled to arrive later this morning, my subscription service to life continuing.

After storms last night, a heat advisory today; life under the delta-dome.

In the midst of scouring the multide of streaming services seeking that 15 minute thing (how this is not a thing in the streaming era is beyond me) to watch between the main show (the MAKING THE CUT finale – I can see why Andrea won , easily; hers a wholly deserved win at that – Gary’s still my man, though) and the bed, landed on Criterion Channel and a Wong Kar Wai video Q&A from the WORLD OF WONG KAR WAI set (which I , of course, own, given my pandemic-era need to obtain box sets of every director I love and never get around to watching them, only on streaming, natch) and one in which WKW was Q’ed “When do you know you’re finished on with project” (A Q from, I believe, the cinematographer who worked with WKW on THE GRANDMASTER) to which WKW A’ed with something to the effect of “I know I’m finished when there are no more questions to answer.”

This crystalized my problem-thinking on the novella and why my move to kill it yesterday was right: I didn’t have any questions to answer (beyond “Can I do this?” to which the answer is, probably – but that’s not enough for me now) or, if I did, they were answered within in the space of a small paragraph. The middle board is empty – but filling up; in search of: those questions I have yet to think of.

Storm clouds are gathering and the day awaits.

Had a feeling that it would happen, that I would return from a project break and find myself in the loop: nowhere to go, nothing to say on the novella. Perhaps I released too much too soon or perhaps it’s a byproduct of having turned 40 over the weekend or perhaps it’s nothing but a recognition long in the making (the novella having been with me in some form for the last ten years), a recognition of an iterative evolution in my creative sensibilities over the last several months (for better or for worse) that precludes the writer who would have written it or the simple truth that I’m fearful of falling once again into the DESCANSO trap (seven years for a paragraph, six years and eleven months being spent realizing it wasn’t a novel but a paragraph which took a month to release).

Thanks to Nick Sousanis for the kind mention of our Socialized Recluse interview on his essential blog, Spin, Weave, and Cut, our interview being an eye-opening discussion that, I’m certain, contributed to my shift in this direction, whatever that direction might be. Be sure to check out the info about 12 August’s Comics for Blind and Low Vision Readers symposium, which we talk about in the interview as well.

As for what’s next, I’m not hurting for potential ideas, a folder-full of illegible scraps waiting – and I do think that, if any time is right to push off into new directions, it’s now, being nascently 40 and all. But then again, I’ve proclaimed a project to be spent before only to have it come back to life at some point or another.

The Jorkie is presently sedated and having her teeth cleaned. Much consternation and trembling this morning, but all will be well.

In keeping with the promise of the title (sorry – eventually these will return to their status as pieces of general randomness and thoughts but for now – in keeping with being a semi-accurate accounting of my thinking in the moment of their creation –  they’re ProgressNotes on The Work):

First thing: I can tell that I’ve been thinking “big picture” for too long. Wrapping up the recording of the next SOCIALIZED RECLUSE episode today and publishing tomorrow will be a perfect end to the break from the main project. Will return on Thursday to those essential “small assignments,” the “bird-by-birding” of HUM into its final form, for release in May 2022.

Second: the big picture time hasn’t been without its fruits: aforementioned SOCIALIZED RECLUSE episode, featuring my interview with Nick Sousanis, drops tomorrow. On Saturday – in keeping with my designs on releasing SOMETHING when I turn 40 –  the second short story arrives for newsletter subscribers.

And third: unintended fruits of pod-interview research and thinking have yielded a form for a comics project and, most importantly, a path forward comprised of small assignments.

Potentially fourth: I may – may – have convinced myself that THE GROUND LOOP needs to make a return but I’m not there yet. The learning requirements of it might be needed again as I press on with the new pod-recording setup and editing workflow. Still considering a secondary show type for THE SOCIALIZED RECLUSE, but we’ll see.

The day – and an emergent-though-nonetheless-anesthetized Jorkie – awaits.

Anti-depressant helping immensely during waking hours but last night turned sleeping hours into waking hours (as is, apparently one of the side effects). An evening blood sugar spike (stress from a yelping Kirby? He ran into a hose which, of course, required howling at the world so as to notify it of his suffering before continuing on his KirbyDerby across the yard) either part of or cause of. Still operating, however, on the notion that this is just my body getting used to its new normal, its biggest change since I came out of hospital with brand-spanking-new T1D: having my waking hours free of that screaming, criticizing, mindlooping busybody internal-other all the time is more than worth the (hopefully) short-term discomfort and inconvenience. That said, will continue to monitor and see what happens. (In spite of only four hours of sleep, I’m feeling fine.)

As for The Work: figuring shit out continues, but it’s in the right place – goal being, always, to pare it down to the smallest possible task and focus on that. Too big-picture at present, but that’s where it needs to be to reach that smaller and smaller, bit by bit. Reading, day’s run, lunch, then SOCIALIZED RECLUSE pod editing for Wednesday’s (intended) release. On with the day.

In the midst of a morning spent facing something I haven’t faced in a very long while, that something being all writing projects (unless it’s the day of the interview or of the posting, I don’t work on podcast stuff in the morning and the T1D essay is one of those things that I can only work on, for now, in very small doses) intended for the remainder of my two-week novella-break being in a state of completion, I switched to comics work in an attempt to reanimate a long-gestating idea (and put myself in the proper headspace for this current batch of TSR interviews) and I can, in the space of this breathless, one-sentence ramble (unintentional, mostly) report that (I think) I’ve found my way back to said proper head-and-scriptspace to engage in  – this current period of deciphering and reconciling past iterations (going back to at least 2013) notwithstanding – something resembling a good-faith pursuit of a solid narrative core. Maybe.

(But at least I know what the rest of the novella-break will look like.)

Rethinking the purpose of these daily experiments (again) and I’ve found that, since restarting them in this different space (Parenthetical Recluse was created to be the home of the daily postings but has since morphed into so much more; Micro was meant to be the in-betweens but is now the home of all scraps, thoughtlets, dogpictures, and ephemeral ramblings) that my brain was, as the day drug on, too full of things I was saving for the next of these postings when the point of their creation was to render my brain empty for eventual refuelling and refilling.

Solution: continue doing them at the same time, but treat as the opening bell, the opening salvo of the day, the prelude – or perhaps the entr’acte – to which subsequent postings – dog pics, EarBliss, etc. – will add to and, like Voltron, constitute the totality of the day’s (over)thinking or lack thereof.

Had I followed this solution, I would have posted, yesterday afternoon that: I’m in the process of making the first edit pass of the next Socialized Recluse episode with Ferrite and the PodTrack P4 and it is brilliant. That the P4 separates the phone and the Mic1 into separate tracks is a revelation. Apple Pencil proving useful, though I still have to make it as instinctive an asset as the mouse and the finger and all that.

In other news, from this morning’s workblock: the second short story is done – release date to newsletter subs TBD, though within the next week or so – and I’ve FINALLY moved on to that T1D essay (before returning on 09 August to the novella): never underestimate the power of being told by an author whose work you’ve long admired that they’d love to read said essay to spur you into finding the fire to mine the depths of yourself and rip open that wound for the benefit of release.

Farewell, July.

Kirby training has come undone and the second story has become something that I hadn’t forseen it becoming, that marvelous WTF birthed from somewhere and that made it all make sense or as close as I get. One of these is grand the other not.

Perhaps yesterday afternoon’s chat with Nick Sousanis (planning on the interview going live on Wednesday, 04 August; earlier episodes live here) helped get me there or maybe it was all there to begin with and I just needed the time and the space to see it. Either way, unless I commit an act of creative self-sabotage – not unlikely – and/or am unable to figure out a proper, facile presentation, it will be released to newsletter subscribers on or before I cross the 40th rubicon (07 August).

Click training abounds; the day awaits.

Grey skies, certainly, but only outside – and, though I know that this sensation (or lack thereof) is one brought on in pill form, this is how I’ve hoped to feel: neither elated nor numb, just here, doing my thing. Able to concentrate, to focus, truly, for the first time in years.

But I also know that, thanks to insurance, this is could – and probably will – change. Perhaps irrevocably but perhaps not, perhaps for the better, perhaps otherwise.

But I’m prepared for it. No choice, really.

Writing this Informality, then, as a way to remind myself that I am capable of getting here, to this space where I don’t feel guilt for doing what I love and where, even though I have no clue where this story is going and have only an opening line ahead of a self-inflicted deadline less than two weeks away, I am, nonetheless, enjoying myself for the first time in years: I have no imagined fictions and caricatures of past and future perturbations screaming at me with every word I think, with every word I type – or, if they are there, they’re nonetheless quieted to the point that I can simply be and do. My blood sugar is normal for the first time in over a year and my nerves over the afternoon’s interview are settled: I’m ready to listen, I’m ready to learn.

Writing this to myself as a record of when I reached a point where I was ok with being myself, a record what it, this wonderful quiet, felt like. I’ve gotten to this space once now, breaking through the illusions of my mind’s perceived notions; I can do it again – I can make it the regular, default baseline rather than a joyous exception.

Totally off the subject, but I started replaying CRIMSON SKIES (thanks GamePass) last night and that game is still fun – and beautiful – as hell. A remaster/remake would be most welcome.

Listening: OCEAN SONGS (REMASTERED), by Dirty Three.

The waterfall is continuing – on a surface level and seemingly – to not leak. A frog made it its swimming hole this morning, an event which I will take to be a postive review most likely apropos of nothing while, in non-amphibious news, the wait continues for pre-authorization of the pre-whatever for prescriptional mood-enhancement; my loathing of the American medical / insurance processes and workflows continues unabated.

Working on notes and research this morning for tomorrow’s SOCIALIZED RECLUSE interview with UNFLATTENING creator Nick Sousanis. Shaping up to be an intriguing and in-depth conversation; then again, with a mind like Nick’s on the other end of the phone, anything but an intriguing and in-depth conversation would be proof that I’m a terrible interviewer and conversationalist. Fingers, toes, and any and all other appendages capable of being crossed are and will remain crossed that the P4 delivers a usable recording. In testing, so far, so good – but I won’t feel good about it until the recording is in the iPad. And even then.

I am back writing in this space because I like writing in this space. In-lawn, more waiting, and general lifestuff await.

Never mind Saturday’s post: after a few days, decided that I prefer, at least for a bit, the daily churn of these. That said, THE GROUND LOOP remains either retired or on hiatus, but I’ll make a final decision by 11 August. For the time being, slammed with a short story deadline (seven years for the last one, two weeks for this one) and SOCIALIZED RECLUSE preparations (research and prep for five episodes, including an interview this week). Will post these at end of morning worktime, as usual. On with the day, see you tomorrow.

Success: the Zoom PodTrack P4 is, until it proves otherwise, the answer to my pod-recording dilemmas in this, the era of shift to the M1 iPad. Fewer cables – TRRS and XLR all –, a physical intermediary before editing in Ferrite and the next workflow to be discerned.

Tried something new with an old technique and will continue to do so moving forward: instead of a text-based question sheet, I’ve put everything into a mindmap (using MindNode) and use it as my guide through the construction of both the interview and the first chat. Can export in markdown to iA Writer, so I might – with a healthy dose of editing – use a text document for the actual interview, but, for gathering and capturing, mindmapping seems to work best. Also lends itself to a little bit more of a freeflowing interview style, though that may change based on the guest and whether or not I use the mindmap or a text document for the recorded interview itself.

Speaking of: sometime in the next month, I might release a list of topics I want to talk about and, if you’d like to join me to discuss that topic, we can make that happen.

Doctors’ appointment today, for what I hope will be the start of bringing my brain back to itself on a more regular basis. I’ve dealt with the depressive waves (mostly) on my own for 25 years via exercise, meditation, and CBT (which I’ve found to be helpful in acute episodes but useless in ameliorating the chronic varietal of which I partake), but it’s beyond time to up my defenses in pill-based form. I’m tired, hopeful, and approaching this step with a not-insignificant amount of trepidation, but it’s clear that something needs to change. With any luck this is that start of that.

Finished Rushdie’s JOSEPH ANTON – finally – and, while his track record of irritating me by page 300 of any book of his remains intact, ANTON was nonetheless an excellent memoir which I wholeheartedly recommend. Keeping this phrase on my wall:

“If you can’t come with me, I’m sorry… but I’m still going this way.”

Happy Friday.

New pod equip arrives today: a Zoom PodTrack P4 recorder. After Friday’s disaster of a recording session and implementing many of the fixes my exceedingly generous and understanding guest suggested, I couldn’t wrap my head around one issue: that I couldn’t hear the recorded version – had I been able to do that, I would have caught the level/clipping issue while it was happening and fixed it - as it was being recorded.

In a callback to my documentary / video days, I remembered, fondly, the joys of having a physical intermediary (in this case, my still-beloved DV tape) between capturing and processing. That the Zoom records on an SD card which can then be transferred to the iPad for editing adds a layer of mindpeace: at least I know what’s going on on the recorded version – and have a hard backup copy in the event that something goes wrong in the DAW processing.

This is my working theory, anyhow – a working theory about to be put to the test this afternoon: first call with my next TSR guest. Hopefully, by recording the first, initial chat, I can get a better idea of levels, capabilities, and workflows before the actual recording; the dress rehearsal, as it were.

Apologies for multiple deletions, repositings, and etc yesterday: trying to find the new rhythm of the day and it wasn’t gelling. Think I’ve got things figured now – in theory, of course.

Listening: BREAK STUFF, by Vijay Iyer Trio.

+++

A quick message from my one and only sponsor, me: If, over the last 15 minutes or 15 years, you’ve found my work to be a worthwhile use of your time, I’d be honored if you’d consider supporting it via my Ko-Fi tip jar.

Efforts at quieting things down are afoot and, after much (over)-consideration, I’ve determined three basic components to be foundational to this switch.

One, starting this morning – or, really, starting the last few months – I’m returning full-time to my daily posting routine to make it once more the head-clearing, interstitial ritual that it used to be and as I hope it can be again.

Two, I’m retiring THE GROUND LOOP as I want to focus, in my non-fiction podcasting efforts, entirely on THE SOCIALIZED RECLUSE and being a better interviewer. Hopefully I will increase the frequency of episodes as I move forward with it. Over the last several weeks, the purpose of THE GROUND LOOP’s existence, that of practice, has subsided – especially as everything I’ve learned had to be thrown out with the equipment changeover to the M1 iPad – and, with the return of the daily pieces, I don’t really need to talk to myself in public; I’d rather type to myself in public. Thinking out loud in public.

Three, my primary focus at Parenthetical Recluse will be additional stories, novellas, THE SOCIALIZED RECLUSE, long-form essays, and transforming it even further into my jazz club. Aiming to release a new story exclusive to newsletter subscribers by my 40th birthday, 07 August.

(Are all these changes related to that impending birthday? Probably, at least somewhat. Evolve, evolve, evolve…)

Anyhow, these are the changes as I see them at this point. More are probably afoot, but I do think that this switch is, currently, the best way to focus on what truly gives meaning and purpose to my days.

Appears that these Informalities have found their way to being the digital, blathering omega to the alpha of the early AM, handwritten journal (similarly possessed of blather, but private-and-illegible-like). Plus my wife said she enjoyed them (The Informalities) back when I did them in the days of yore, the “funny ones,” in particular.

Since I’ve only returned (for real this time) to the daily grind here, a scant few efforts, and one cheat in this Sunday thing, for this week at least:

Notes from a week of iPadWork (still using it, still loving it), at Parenthetical Recluse, when I thought that these weekly but oops (04jul2021)

THE GROUND LOOP, Ep0010 - “Why do you write?” (07jul2021)

And I am, mostly (10jul2021), the daily return.

That’s that for this week. One final plug for my new Ko-Fi page because why not. The day awaits; see you tomorrow.

Awake.

Main, deep work done for the day – finally some light peeking through on the novella. Planning to reveal the title in this month’s MacroParentheticals dispatch (normal sign-up processes have been resumed).

Will go deeper into the current posting schema and etc on THE GROUND LOOP next week, but, short version: TGL has replaced weekly Informalities at Parenthetical Recluse… Macro remains monthly, and these daily Informalities have returned to replace – or at least , as they always have, the vast majority of my social media existence.

Ko-Fi still a burgeoning little component of my online self, but I do like where it’s going. Nips and tucks and figurings abound; if I rake in $20 a year, I’ll be thrilled.

Reading (halfway through Rushdie’s JOSEPH ANTON and all I want to do now is play Super Mario World with Salman Rushdie), running, and the in-lawn await. Chainsaws and such.

The week that was:

THE GROUND LOOP, Ep0008 - “What’s your omelette recipe?” (23jun2021)

No poison hemlock for you (24jun2021)

The Work, iPad Edition - Day One (25jun2021)

I Have Eaten in a Restaurant / iPadWork, Day Two (26jun2021)

The month’s MacroParentheticals dispatch inbound in +/60.